16 December 2020
Five reasons why you should read this Q & A with masked clowns… LEG PUPPY
1. They fabricate illegal 24-hour party music for illegal raves at illegal dance basements
2. They move and groove like spaced-out monkeys on a, b, c, d, E and circus acid
3. The Federal Bureau of Intesticides, short for FBI have an inside file on these outsiders
4. They re-defined the meanings of sarcasm, cynism and visual humour in puppy rock
5. They are the new Baader-Meinhof punks, ready to kidnap Boris Johnson
Oh, and they are the messed-up authors of the danm-bloody-best
mind-alternating-disco-inferno-paycheck-hit of this crackdown year…
Hello Puppy Simon…
Who or what is LEG PUPPY?
“I am Leg Puppy, you are Leg Puppy, we are Leg Puppy. And a non-pretentious answer: me and whoever else is around for the ride, best mates, fans or basically stealing musicians from other bands.
Simon is our main clown. I have to mention him otherwise he won’t read the article unless he’s in it. Love you, Simon. Plus, a big mention to my producer Exire. Who is a real, special talent? He’s definitely the 5th or 38th Puppy.”
What secrets are hidden behind those big corona proof masks?
“Now that would be telling, there’s definitely a lot of secrets, all hidden within my lyrics.”
Why has the FBI a file on you, guys?
“I once rang them up and shouted ‘Call the FBI’ in my best Columbo voice, they’ve been on our case ever since. It might also have something to do with the 2000 Leg Puppy balloons we sent them.”
New single PAYCHECK is about money I suppose.
So how many did LEG PUPPY earned this year?
“As we are the biggest band in the world called Leg Puppy, the offers came flooding in.
So much so, like the KLF before us, we got paid 1 million pounds, although this wasn’t
in actual money, it was in Orange Squash. We wrote a book about pouring the whole lot down the plughole. KLF’s lawyers have been in touch.
Tells us how to do rave safely in these unsafe times,
cause you have A GUIDE TO SOCIAL DISTANCING?
“Lock down your aerials, pump up your slippers, get a few balloons,
and party like it’s 2020.”
A new album is waiting in the pipeline. What sort of hullabaloo can we expect?
“We actually have 3. But the next one is ‘A guide to social remixing’. Everyone is basically
sick of the term social distancing now, so we thought we’d milk that album and put out a remix one. We’ve got some killer remixes with the likes of Rocket Recordings band Gnoomes, Dicepeople, 1i2c & AKA (the best electronic artist not to be on Mute Records). The Kinky Emoji remix is just way too hot and will no doubt be played in every strip bar this side of Croydon.”
Suppose you were asked to rewrite and put new music to the British Royal Anthem ‘God Save The Queen’. No restrictions whatsoever. What would be the outcome, in sound and vision?
“What a brilliant question. I actually sampled ‘God Save the Queen’ but played it in reverse on Corgi Stop, a track of our new album. Actually, I’m talking crap, it was ‘Land of Hope and Glory’. I’d love to do a Clown mob video. Get loads of us in clown masks wiggling. Outside number 10 or Buckingham Palace.”
Do the wiggle, folks…
A lot of musicians came up with a cover of another artist’s song during
these bizarre times. Which one would you pick to trash and smash?
“Cool answer: ‘What about us’ by The Fall. Real answer: ‘Biology’ by ‘Girls Aloud’.”
Boris Johnson: should he stay or should he go?
“Corgi Stop from our album Non Disclosure Agreement translates Stop Boris. He’s a big
posh sod with plumbs in his mouth. And I recently wrote a track called ‘Fuck Boris’. Here’s
a snippet. ‘His name is Boris he’s an arrogant prick, he went to Eton and he sucks his own dick, Fuck Boris!’ I wrote that to go with our 2019 track Nominate 10. We were going to perform this version live only. Then something happened in the world, can’t remember what it was now.”
Donald Trump or Elvis Presley?
“In a glory hole? Prob Trump as I’m not
sure Elvis’s would still work.”
THE KLF or EMERSON, LAKE and PALMER?
“I’ve never really been a Robert Palmer fan. Could a stage take
all the KLF’s money and our OJ? It would be Rick n Roll mayhem.”
What was the worst track and the worst album you heard in 2020,
except your own music?
“Anything by The 1975, I don’t get it. They won a Brit award. How did this happen?”
The daftest video clip of the past 12 months?
“There’s some dude on Instagram who makes contractions with his head and rubber bands. Forget his name. Headband man maybe? Ah, found him, ‘Janerichsen’ he gets hundreds of comments, I need to get him on board, he’d be a great fit.”
Your favourite mouth mask of this corona year?
“Can we time travel to 2019? Thanks, a friend and I set ourselves a project, to visit every iconic place in London wearing the clown mask. We tried to get into the National Portrait Gallery, but they weren’t having it, so my mate brilliantly came up with this story that she was my carer and it’s my anxiety mask, they fell for it so we walked in absolutely pissing ourselves laughing. There’s some pics on our Instagram.”
Which song will LEG PUPPY play on 31st December at midnight
to annoy the neighborhood?
“‘Selfie Stick Narcissistic Prick’ as no doubt everyone will be sharing photos of
themselves pretending they are having a massively brilliant time when we
know they are lying. Welcome to the age of narcissism by a friend!”
Christmas 2020 will be really weird. Any tips to mess up Xmas Day?
“Stick on Meds and Beer and change the lyrics to ‘Shitmas time is here,
let’s all have a beer’ while bouncing on a balloon.”
Name three promises you WON’T keep in 2021?
“No more dogging.
Stay of social media.
Pump up balloon.”
Thank you for leaving jail to do this interview, Simon P.
Have a great leg Xmas and a puppy 2021.
Hello, ladies and gents, are you still here?
Here’s your guide to social distancing …
LEG PUPPY: Facebook
(band photos received via the FBI)